ME -- Second Chances

Kaidan sat in his dimly lit office, attempting to fight off yet another headache.  In the past few weeks his biotic headaches had grown worse, and the commander suspected it was more than just the L2 implants that caused them.  The stress of commanding had finally started to take its toll on him. Ignoring the stacks of Alliance reports, Kaidan pushed away from his desk and stared balefully out the small window that overlooked the Presidium.  Vaguely, he wondered if Shepard had ever felt similarly.  He wondered how she felt now.

Seeing Shepard alive on Horizon had surprised him to say the least.  For two years he believed her to be dead and suddenly there she stood with Garrus and a krogan by her side.  He wasn't sure what hurt worse; that she was alive and didn't tell him or that she was working for Cerberus and wouldn't be returning to the Alliance…returning to him to be more precise.  Kaidan had expressed his sentiments to her. Shepard had listened stoically. After his little tirade, she offered only a fleeting smile before disappearing.  

After Horizon, Kaidan returned to the Citadel shell shocked and heartbroken.  He tortured himself over his behavior towards the woman he loved; he tortured himself for never telling her that he loved her.  He had had plenty of opportunities, but Shepard had always been an aloof woman. Her life as on orphan had ensured it. Yet, she had let Kaidan get close to her. She had shown him a side of her he had never known and he had done nothing. He remained her lieutenant and friend too scared to admit to himself that he had fallen in love with his commander. And now there would be no chance to tell Shepard.

He had seen the news vids about Shepard.  She was a hero after Saren's defeat. Now, she was beyond hero status. An idol or a legend, she had become the stuff of dreams.  The galaxy supported her in the fight against the Reapers even if the Council and Alliance did not.  She destroyed Saren and Sovereign, navigated and survived the Omega 4 Relay, and saved countless lives. And she wasn't even close to being done.  Kaidan had watched her in the interviews; she remained oblivious to her abrupt status change. In essence, she was the same as she had always been.  Unlike before, however, now there were millions of people watching the surprisingly beautiful Shepard and her gang of deadly misfits.  Kaidan was almost positive that after seeing her in such a light, there would be thousands of e-mails. Even if he sent one of his own, it would be lost among the many.  Shepard had become too distant from Kaidan, he was almost sure of it. The relationship between them would never be the same.

Thinking about Shepard had made Kaidan's headache worse.  Most of his days were spent similarly. Ignoring reports and tormenting himself over Shepard. It was an inescapable cycle that had started after the reunion on Horizon. The Alliance had grounded him afterwards, concerned that there might be further encounters with Shepard in the future. It had only made Kaidan's life miserable.   He felt as if he had reached the bottom and would never see day again. His life now was almost as horrific as Jump Zero once was.

Kaidan stared a few more moments at the Presidium before returning to his desk. The reports had to be taken care of before Udina threw a tantrum.  He shuffled listlessly through the stack, waiting for some welcome distraction.   He wished for anything that would get him out of this cramped office and away from reports and his thoughts of Shepard.  At an agonizing pace, the minutes crept by with no distraction in sight. Kaidan stalled for as long as possible; he stared at the elcors on the terrace, watched the second hand on the wall clock tick, and toyed with the paper weight on his desk.  Finally, he resigned himself to reading reports. He grabbed the nearest data pad and haltingly began to read about some small scuffle between two lieutenants.


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The change in lighting drew Kaidan's attention from the mundane report. He looked up, mildly surprised to find his headache gone and several hours spent.   He pushed the remaining reports away, not too keen on spending another evening working.  Perhaps he would be able to convince one of his few friends to go out for drinks; there wasn't exactly much in the way of entertainment on the Citadel.  Being stationed groundside was about as exciting as watching grass grow Kaidan concluded with a smile.
Kaidan stood, tossing one last cursory glance around the stark office.  He took the two steps to the door and listened as it slid open with its characteristic hiss.  However, he was surprised to see a familiar face waiting for him.

"Garrus?"

The turian turned, displaying a ragged scar across the side of his face.  There was murder in his eyes.

"We need to talk Alenko," he growled.

Kaidan nodded, indicating that they return to the privacy of his office. Garrus followed closely behind. He waited until the door shut firmly behind them before waiting to address the commander.

"Shepard may have forgiven you for that little incident on Horizon, but I haven't," Garrus started.

"What happened on Horizon is between me and Shepard," Kaidan retorted. What were they? School boys?  
Regardless, Kaidan felt a sense of relief to hear that Shepard had forgiven him for his outburst.

"Well that tends to change when you're the one picking up the pieces afterward. You practically tore her heart out back there! She trusted you, Alenko! She expected a friend on Horizon, a familiar face, a grounding, and instead she had to listen to you call her a traitor among other things!  Do you know how she spent the next few days? No, I don't think you would.  She cried Alenko. Cried. I've never seen Shepard cry before.  Any idea what that's like?!"

"What the hell Garrus? I had every reason to be angry at her! " Kaidan felt a knife of guilt twist in his gut.  

Hearing that he had made Shepard cry nearly broke his heart, and on top of that, he was justifying his
actions.  He was more confused than ever.

"Ya, because she didn't tell you she was alive. Well Shepard didn't tell any of the old team and you don't see us pulling similar stunts. You betrayed her trust back there Alenko and she thought it was her fault. We both know Shepard's personality. It hasn't changed in two years; can't say the same for you."

Kaidan glowered at Garrus, knowing the turian was right. Minerva had always been strong willed, yet forgiving. She was a strange combination of justice and strength tempered with a gentleness and understanding. There was nobody like her in the galaxy, none as loved by him, and he had hurt her beyond
measure.

"Her trust is the only thing that's changed.  You'll have to earn that back the hard way; every member on
the squad did," Garrus finished, the anger fading from his voice.

"Why are you on the Citadel?" Kaidan finally asked.

Garrus shrugged.  "Shepard gave us a day's shore leave here. She's down at C-Sec with Krios, checking up on his son. I don't even think she knows you're here."

"So why are you?"

"Shepard gave you a second chance," Garrus said with a sigh, obviously displeased with what was about to come.

"She wants you on the Normandy.  The whole crew agreed your skills would be useful, and if it makes you feel any better, Shepard blew off Cerberus weeks ago when she destroyed the Collector base. We're freelance so to speak.  Anyway, I volunteered to track you down and see if you'd be willing to work with her.  Like I said, she's forgiven you and moved on from Horizon. She's giving you a chance to re-earn her trust, among other things I'm sure."

Kaidan lifted an eyebrow.

"Oh come on Alenko. We all know you're in love with her. The only one who doesn't is Shepard, but you can expect that sort of obliviousness from her."

He looked around at the office…at the stack of reports. He didn't belong in this office, and he knew it. Garrus and Shepard knew it too.  If he left though, what would that mean in the future? Did it matter? He thought back to a few hours before. He had been torturing himself. Was that anyway to live?  An opportunity to apologize and make things right had appeared.

"Screw Alliance protocol," Kaidan said with a grin. "When do we leave?"

Garrus frowned. "I always told Shepard she was too forgiving. We leave in a few hours…and I'm going to warn you, getting close to Shepard again is going to be hard…almost impossible."

"It always is with Shepard," Kaidan said laughing. "I don't think she'd have it any other way."